Monday, March 21, 2005

Monday 21st March

Well... its been over an interesting week and a bit! Where do i start, Today i thinks. Lets work backwards... Im back at work this evening because I have told my wife I am going out "salsa" dancing. I used to go with a girl called Karen, who has red hair (not being racist against red heads!) who is a nice friend, not only of mine but of paige's and all her friends too. Karen has her good and bad sides! shes 17 and likes boys/men (more boys i think!) however, whenever i go out with her, i feel i am getting in the way most of the time, and also, i think she uses me a little because I can drive and she cant (ok, shes learning!) The only reason I started going was because her friend stopped going and she had no way of getting there. I did actually really enjoy going, but then my baby came along, and my folks and the mrs folks were very against me going out "enjoying myself" with other people (i think the whole 17 year old girl thing didnt help help)(NOT that i see her in that kind of way at all!). As i was saying, karen likes flirting with boys/men and i often feel i get in the way of that, as i seem to be "baby sitting" her and having to cart her about!

Anyways, tonight, for the first time, I have decided to tell the mrs i have gone to salsa, but im not actually going. I REALLY wanted to see paige tonight, but she has LOTS of course work to get in by this thursday. I REALLY want her to do well, but she has been a little strange since i saw her on friday evening at steel band. I was ment to see her on sunday as i normally do where we go and do voluntary work at a swan sanctuary, except my brother wanted to take me and the mrs on a day out. so, I had to go to that. I felt SOOO bad not going to the sanctuary as i was asked last week if i could help lay a new path for the owner of the place. She is in an exlectric wheelchair and cannot go outside with it as all the paths are cracked and she will probably fall out of it! She asked me especially if i could do it for her, and i said i would love to and that i would do it this sunday just gone for her. But, alas, I probably really annoyed her and upset paige...

I know how much paige wanted to see me this weekind too. I cant say why, but, we really really wanted to see each other!!! Seeing her on a sunday, every sunday, is the best thing possible. to some people sunday is the last day of the week and to some it the start! so in a way, i see it as both! an amazing end to the week, yet also a good start to the week! There LOTS of work to do there. When paige first asked me to go there, i was not sure if i could make it every week or not. I used to have to "pretend"that i was going out on an early morning bike ride with friends and come back just after lunch, but then i made it public that i wanted to do some voluntary work. People still laugh at the fact i do voluntary work, but i tell them why i do it and they realise how much voluntary work means to me!

anyways, just got a text from paige that she is leaving a friends and walking home, which i dont like her doing in the dark, or even durin the day alone.

im off!!!

will update in a few days.

Friday, March 11, 2005

Today is Friday. Fridays are an interesting day for me. Its the end of the week, i feel like a wanna go out! go to a party! have a party! see my friends, meet new friends! I woke around 9 today by my baby daughter who needed feeding. I usually am an early riser, but recently havent been getting much sleep. The outlaws then turned up to look after her for the day/night. Im a little scared though incase neither of them "cant cope" or if something bad happens, like a crash or something, or if their dogs eat her or something!!!

I then had lunch, burger (proper posh, waitrose aberdeen angus style!) in a bun. after that i watched neighbours! i havent watched it for months! lou's place has been blown up! whats going on in soap world at the moment!!! i then spent the afternoon watchin crap day time TV. trisha on C5 for example! people who get abducted! i mean! she was a little strange, claimed she had an implant in her ear, but wouldnt let the doctor look at it.... suspicious... i think so!

On a Friday, i look forward to going to play the steel pans. "steel what" i hear you say! you know those funny oil drums which people usually play in the carribean? well i started to play them about 6 months ago. I was always taken in by the amazing sound they make so i joined the band! Also, a special friend of mine goes there too... her name (which is not her real name!) is (mmm she may read this, so im gonna choose an appropriate name!) paige. i dont know why! just something random that came into my head. its probably bcos i dont know anyone called paige!

Paige is very special to me. I met her a year and a bit ago when i started my new job. The 1st time we saw each other, our eyes looked straight into each others and i knew something was there. lol it took months for anything to develop but now we have an amazing relationship.

There is of course one small problem. Im married. Im 23. I have a 3 week old baby. Paige is 17 (not that thats a problem i must add!)

It wasnt till last summer (2004) that i knew how paige thought about me. I have always been very insecure about relationships and when my first real girl friend came along, i really didnt wanna let go of her because i thought i would never find someone again. This has prooved to be a problem. I put soo much effort into making myself like my wife, what i have now grown to hate her! that may sound bad but, she really does get on my tits! My mum didnt really like her in the first place either. she is very quiet and always has been. finds it hard to make new friends. hard to "get up and go". she has no inspiration. doesnt know where she wants to be in 5 years time, let alone next week!

BUT i told myself to make it work. i FORCED myself to make it work. I didnt want to be a failure to my parents. I wanted to proove everyone wrong. that she was the right person. but, now, i know, shes not. Why i hear you ask? here's my list:

1) shes got this REALLY annoying thing she says EVERY 5 mins, and i mean, every 5 mins! "I love you ya know...." with stupid eyes. this REALLY gets on my nerves and i told her it does!

2)she has no get up and go.

3)relies on other people to get her out of holes

4)is always very negative about things. eg: we're not gonna make it are we, or its not gonna work. things like that. Im a very positive person. i love making things work and getting there on time!

5)being creative. doing creative things. i love doing these things, she dont.

6)Using my "spare time" to the best of my ability. she would just sit there all day and night if she could.

7)i love meeting new people, going out, having a drink, listening to new types of music, talking to people, having friends round, meeting friends friends! she would prefer to stay in every night.

8)she is very insecure. thinks im gonna run off and leave her every 5 mins (i know! dont tell me!)

the list goes on!!!

its not that i dont like her, but new friends have made me open my eyes to the world. since meeting all my new friends, i can see how life can be so much more fun. I wish i did more when i was younger. joined more clubs, was more friendly to people at school, did my homework (sounds crazy!) get better gcse results. i wish i did A-levels!

I wish i wasnt married. it was if i was "pushed" into "doing the right thing". you meet someone... get engaged young! (DONT DO IT!) yes its exciting when your young to say your engaged but, what happens if things change in a year or 2? your stuck!

Paige has shown me some amazing feelings. how i should feel around someone. the love, warmth, care, compassion, sights, sounds, smells! especially the feelings she leaves me with. right now, just thinking about her, i have this amazing smile on my face! On tuesday evening this week, she stayed over at mine. My wife wasnt in that night and Paige wanted to stay over again. i must tell you before you say oh my god! Paige knows how i feel about my wife! My wife and I havent had sex since she conceived the baby, i we dont kiss passionately. occasionally on the lips, but thats just for a second to keep her mind from suspision! she is lucky to get one on the cheek when im off out. its also not like she comes running to the door when i come home demanding a kiss from me either....

Paige and I met in the park on tuesday night. she had eaten some chips and the left overs were cold as i was running late, im always late... she expects that of me! Her excuse to her folks is she is staying over a friends to do some coursework! her folks are quite gullable! talking about them, they seem quite cool. I have met her mum a few times, given blood with her once! her dad hasnt actually seen me face to face. he seems a little bit scary! In a way, i think paige is a little scared of him sometimes.

We got in my car and drove back to mine. We sat on the sofa and instantly warmed each other with our hands. we cuddled up and kissed for a second. I grabbed the new dvd (13 going on 30) and started to play it. she got more and more comfy next to me and started to make me feel really warm! I turned the living room light out and grabbed a soft drink. it was quite "romantic" for once! we usually only have a small amount of time with each other which really winds paige up and i really do know that! but, it was amazing that we had the hole night and morning with each other.

about an hour into the film, we started kissing and i love to make her feel amaing. I love watchin her face as i touch her. listening to her every sound. she has an amazing smile! :-) lol amaing!

We kissed for quite a while. I likes touch my face, hips, chest, and especailly... my beard! she loves it! As we lyed on the sofa together, i started to unbutton her shirt she was wearing. She had a t-shirt on underneath, and we are both VERY comfortable being naked around each other. once i had taken that off, i slowly lyed her down on the sofa, and kissed her from her nose to her belly button! she lovs it! her back arches! sooooo sexy! lol

I took my t-shirt off at this point. I normally wait and let her do it, but for a change, i thought i would. We kissed more as she rubbed her hands all over my chest, she has VERY warm hands! the night went on from there....

I dont want to get into too much detail, but we endup upstairs listening to music on my little radio after a VERY orgasmic evening!!! for both of us!!!

We awoke in the morning quite early, and we cuddled and kissed again, and again, we had another roll about in the bed!!!! lol it felt sooo amazing! her face, well... if only i had a camera! lol she has such a beautiful face, and i tell her that! she also has an amazing body, which i also tell her!!!!!

Later that morning i drove her to college. 3 mins late to a lecture, but i think she got away with it!

Here are a few texts from those 2 days...

"Bloody hell! lol! you should see the state i got myself in! its fine. i can still come out and play! x"

"i'm not mad just duckin releived! im gonna have to go out to "**a friends**" so tell me when your on your way! XxxxxX XxxxxX"

"i should god you've not forgotten! im in the oark and my chips are cold so you cant have any! x"

that was before i picked her up... these are the next day:

"oops! i want that hot chocolate now! Thankin you SO much for last night. i still feel absolutely amazin! X"

I then got worried and needed a list from paige with all the things i had to remember to "hide" from that night so my wife wouldnt think strange things!

"hot chocolate upstairs, ky jelly sample is somewhere and is your crazy penis attachment! the vibrator might be about! i think thats it! XxxX"

that text had me in stitches!!!!

"And ill be here to catch it... Grr! im so lucky to have you. one day it will all be a lot more simple xXx"

"kiss caught... smile xXx "

"it felt so good didnt it... just like its supposed to be... sleep well honey... X hope you find everything! x"

"now whats one of the first thing you taught me... dont take the corner off! Pmpl! kissin to those songs felt so perfect! XxxxX XxxxxX"

"sittin with "*friend*" talking about nipples and chickens. imstill grinnin! X"

" we are discussin sexism, sterotypin, fat people, and social pressures. o and male genitalia hence talk on nipples! quite interesting. ive eaten thank you. X"

then i got his VERY randon text a day or 2 later!

"Have i ever told you you have a VERY sexy bum? and chest hairs and bellybuttin and nose and feet and lips and hips and eye lashes and ears and fingers an elbows?"

you should have seen the smile on my face!!!! i replied askin where that came from...

"I caught myself grinnina dn i realised why! so i thought i would tell you i was thinking of you!x"

" you have to ask!?!? you should see the size of the grin on my face right now! thinking about you... alone... naked... all mine... xxxxx"

We also have this connection, where we seem to know we are texting each other! it can be hours sometimes between texts, and i got to text her and as i send mine, i receive one just as i finish writing it!!! scary we say to each other!!!

she had a fun day at college today. i got a text saying " cool. weve got a stand up guy talking about sperm banks and hiccups and clits! xXxXxXx" little things like that make me smile sooo much!

"now a guy us havin his legs and chest waxed! i was really tempted to tell alex a min ago! just to see her reaction! Grr" Frustratin! X"

as i said earlier i met her at steel band tonight. ourr relationship is completely private at the moment. only you, the readers of this, know about what is going on. we do have a good laugh in public though and her friends know we have a good "friendly relationship" i do keep puttin hints into conversations though! i mentioned a few things and got this reply via text accross the room! "awww! stop makinn inappropriate comments! you'll make me bluch! XxxxX"

I came home after steel band to find the mrs doing some ironing. she then went upstairs, and has fallen asleep on the bed. im down here writing this! i got a text from paige a min ago saying " now at the club. its the lads tonight, no *friendsname*. why are we talking about shaggin sheep!? again!? XxxxX"

"im gonna play *friend* in a sec. ill look sometime soon... magic are playing grease! XxxxX"

paige, if you finally got to read this, I hope this blog keeps things clearer in your mind...

All my love...

P x

Where so i start?

Where do i start! that is the question.

Let me start by telling you a little about myself. I shall call myself PAUL from today (to hide my identity!) Going back a few years, when i was in middle school, i wasnt the most popular person in the playground and was usually left till last when being picked to play football.